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*I am re-posting yesterday's snippet with some suggested edits as well as today's not very edited but in hope that people think this may work*
Ungracefully Jane flops fully to the floor tossing her skirts back behind her and her feet and legs under her. She sits up on the floor and looks at the figure who has spoken.
The woman, as now it is apparent that figure is a woman, has long straight black hair parted in the middle. Her skin is a warm fawn color. Her eyes are almond shaped and dark almost disappearing in her mirth. Her eyelashes are dark, thick and short. her face as a whole is more flat than Jane had ever seen before. She is very beautiful and her small mouth was smiling with laughter Jane expected was at her expense.
“I waiting for you,” the woman asked in her accent and odd english wording “I think I sleep too.”
“Where are we?” Asked Jane
“On Ship, name Cressy we are going to Canterbury in Zealand”
Jane stared at the woman. How could they be going to New Zealand. Is that what she really meant?
“Sorry, You are scared No? You are safe we lock door keep others out” She says and gesture to the locked door.
Jane just blinked at her. Finally after what seemed like a long time. Jane managed. “Do you mean New Zealand? Why are we going there?”
“Yes yes New Zealand. You father has sent for you.”
I like the new descriptions. It flows much better :) Nice edits.
ReplyDeleteI am having trouble visualizing the large hulking black figure being a Chinese woman. (Guessing on origin based on your plea for writing a Chinese accent.) Are these the same people or did I misunderstand something you had written earlier?
I didn't use the words large and hulking. I said "Sitting on the other side of the room was a hunched figure in a black robe.
ReplyDeleteThe figure’s face was down long dark hair hung forward hiding it’s face. The black robe covered everything else"
So I didn't mean to make the figure sound large. Although I hadn't decided it was a woman when I wrote that part. I will probably go back and edit that bit.